I have a 2-year-old who is very smart and picks up on a lot and repeats it. I’ve had a hard a time with asking family not to display bad behavior or not to try to get her to say or do bad things because they think it\’s funny. They just tell me “I’m no fun” and keep doing it. I\’m talking curse words, teaching her to lift her legs and pass gas on Grandma, teaching her to lift her shirt and shout \”Spring break!\” like someone on a Girls Gone Wild video, and other behaviors I\’d be embarrassed to have my kid repeat in public.
How do I try to prevent my child from repeating their \”fun\” bad behavior, and how do I address this better with the family?
Dear Mom of Frustrated 2-Year-Old,
Your concerns are so valid because these behaviors will not only no longer be cute in a few years, they could get her in trouble! Fortunately, although 2-year-olds are master mimics, she is too young to grasp the meaning of her behaviors, except that they make people laugh. And as anyone who has met a young child knows, laughing is one of the best ways to make sure a toddler will do it again. And again.
The good news: your daughter's young and plastic brain has plenty of time to forget all of this and learn more positive behaviors. The bad news: you can't stop her from repeating behaviors, so you have to deal with the grown-ups, even if they aren't acting like it.
I see two layers to your concerns: first, your family's view that this use of your daughter for their entertainment is harmless; second, that they will not listen to you, as her mother.
\”Harmless\” Fun?
I will start with giving your family some benefit of the doubt: your daughter copying these behaviors does not really hurt anyone. Some families do not even classify "curse words" as off limits, arguing this is a natural part of language and making some words out of bounds is unnecessary. Passing gas on grandma? (Is grandma OK with this?) As part of the timeless appeal of "potty humor," it's a joke that every child I know under 7 finds hysterical. And of course, plenty of adults can momentarily regress to a 4-year-old mentality. The shirt up for spring break, however, is definitely highly problematic for reasons that would take us down a long path of messaging about bodies and boundaries.
A 2-year-old has no understanding of the "right time and place" for certain behaviors, so you are correct that she could repeat all of these in a public way you will find embarrassing. More importantly, however, you want her exposed to more positive behaviors, so she uses her mimicking skill set for good. Although your family finds this all hilarious, young children are truly sponges and you understandably want her learning more socially acceptable behaviors.
Parenting Boundaries
What I find more of a problem in your situation is that your family does not respect your parenting boundaries. This also has the potential to escalate to higher stake differences in the future, like it's no big deal to let a 10-year-old take some sips of beer (it is a big deal). By setting stronger boundaries now, you will save yourself much more handwringing in the future. Every family has it's "special" quirks, personalities, and habits, but the following steps lay a good foundation for getting started with making some change.
Shaping Behaviors—Adult Version
As a child psychologist, I regularly work with families on how to address problem behaviors with their children. However, adults sometimes need similar approaches (we all have that inner child, for better or worse). Since it sounds like you have already expressed your concerns and your family has not listened, we will skip past the "communicate!" advice to focus on steps to change the problem behaviors.
Keep Talking
I realize this setting of boundaries could tap into some deeper issues. Many possible family dynamics could be part of your family ignoring your parenting requests. If there is at least one or two family members who you feel closer to and are more receptive, be open with them about why you are taking this so seriously. This honestly may help you enlist them to back you up so you don't feel as on your own. This back-up can also strengthen your resolve to follow through on making this big change.
The Bottom Line
All of this may sound like a lot of work, but I saved the best news for last: you are the biggest influence on your daughter. As her primary person, your behavior matters most for her learning and development. When she sees you set a limit with grown-ups around certain behaviors, she learns you do not approve and stores that away. She may have gotten some good laughs from your family, but between you taking these steps to put a hard stop to it, and continuing to be a positive role model, she will be just fine.
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Emily Edlynn, Ph.D., is the author of The Art and Science of Mom parenting blog and a mother of three from Oak Park, Illinois. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice who specializes in working with children and adolescents.
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