My 16-year-old daughter loves social media, but I hate what she posts. Whether it’s a provocative selfie, an Instagram story, or a ridiculous comment to a friend, I just find it all so inappropriate. I don’t know what to say to make her understand without her just ignoring me or even blocking me. Is there anything I can do?
Dear Mom Not Loving Social Media,
Is there any greater generational gap between our children and us than the digital divide? I find that one reason we struggle so much as parents with issues like cell phones, screen time, and social media is because we have no reference point for the modern digital world. With so many other parenting issues, we can reflect back to our own experiences growing up. With the current digital reality—including rapidly changing options that make it hard to keep up—we really have no template.
My parenting instinct has been to avoid and restrict all things social media, but that only works for so long as I now have two tweens. I have also realized that this approach does my children no favors as they get older. They need to learn responsible use of the internet and social media because it's not going anywhere. Instead of easing my anxiety by instituting an all-out ban until they no longer live with me (obviously not going to happen), coaching them along the way ultimately helps them more.
Hear Her Out First
I'm sure you are already aware that lectures just don't work with teenagers. It will be more effective to come up with a plan for a discussion, guided by some of your goals, while also showing openness to hearing her perspective.
Offer Self-Monitoring Strategies
Hopefully this dialogue encourages your daughter to consider using some strategies to improve decision-making about what she posts. One recommended strategy is the "front yard" test: "Would you be OK with each post, comment, or like being on a huge sign in your front yard?"
Another guideline is to apply the THINK method: Is your post or comment True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and/or Kind? The "H" for helpful also includes ensuring it is not harmful. (I'm sure we all know a few fully grown adults who could benefit from these strategies!)
Finally, go through privacy settings for each app together so you can see what she has set and why, and make your own recommendations to ensure safety.
Manage Your Own Expectations
While working through all this with your daughter, you may need to do your own self-check too. What does "inappropriate" mean to you, and what are your specific concerns? Do you see potential harm from your daughter's social media behavior, or do you just have a hard time relating to it?
A major downside to the prevalence of social media use for teens is how much we can actually see. Instead of ridiculous conversations from our adolescence that dragged on for hours on phones with long cords, these are now public. With this comes extra responsibility on their end of being more aware of what they are saying and sharing, but it's also kind of an unfair microscope on daily interactions. It might help to define "inappropriate" and clarify your expectations for more appropriate behavior. For example, is the "ridiculous" comment to a friend silly in an age-appropriate way, or is it unkind and harmful?
Teach Autonomy
You have a daughter two years away from legal adulthood, also likely in the phase of "my parents don't understand," limiting how receptive she might be to your guidance. Research shows that adolescents do not change behaviors due to fear-based messages (like with drugs and smoking), but can be more responsive to messages of how they are being manipulated (for example, the tobacco industry) or negative social consequences. Parents telling kids not to smoke or do drugs has actually shown to have the opposite effect, with those teens more likely to do it! Instead, messaging centered on threats to teens' autonomy work significantly better.
Leveraging what we know from anti-smoking and anti-drug campaigns, focus on your daughter's autonomy and agency. It may seem counterintuitive because the instinct is to see our teens' irresponsible behaviors as meaning they should have less autonomy, but this just doesn't work.
Instead, encourage your daughter to take ownership of her social media behavior in a way that preserves her integrity and protects her future. Remind her that social media apps benefit financially from her dependence on them, and are designed for addictive use, which hopefully helps her want to increase her agency within her use of social media.
The Bottom Line
Even as we wish for the simpler days of no social media, It appears social media is here to stay. Although some of the stakes of our teens' online presence feel higher, it's also just another developmental opportunity to help them build critical life skills for decision-making, using good judgment, and increasing autonomy. The reality is she is the master of her online domain, now and for the rest of her digital lifetime. So, instead of getting your daughter to listen to you, listen to her first and then collaborate on how to approach her online presence with responsibility and thoughtfulness.
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Emily Edlynn, Ph.D., is the author of The Art and Science of Mom parenting blog and a mother of three from Oak Park, Illinois. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice who specializes in working with children and adolescents.
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