How Can I Get My Kid to Stop Being Defensive Whenever He\’s at Fault?

Dear Mom With Screaming Kid,

Some children are more sensitive to their behaviors being corrected, and the younger they are, the more this can look like defiance. It's actually their very sensitivity to feeling like the people they love most might see them as "bad" that sets off strong emotions. They don't have the tools yet to manage this intensity, so it comes out in unpleasant ways. Understanding how your son's brain and emotions are developing can help give you the tools to respond in a way that helps stop this painful cycle.

Let's start with their young brains: It takes a lot of brain power to manage emotions and behaviors, all while impulse control barely exists. In your son's case, he needs to plan ahead, remember from last time to not make the same mistake, and then stop a behavior that feels good in the moment! That's a lot for his little brain. The part of the brain that controls impulses, the frontal lobe, is still in the early stages of developing, which explains why young children can't help themselves even when they "know better." I'm sure your son does feel sorry afterwards, but he doesn't have the brain power yet to follow through with these intentions when the next time rolls around.

Age 4 can be an especially confusing phase for parents because their child can suddenly do so much more than they could at 3, but they also still have their toddler meltdown moments. As a mother myself, I sometimes forget that the developmental line is quite curvy, and not the straight line of progress we might hope it is. Despite all that 4-year-olds have mastered, emotional development is especially bumpy and complex, and even bumpier with strong and unpleasant emotions.

Although your son does not yet have the capacity to fully understand his feelings, let alone express them to you calmly, I am guessing he feels embarrassed and/or ashamed when he is reprimanded. He communicates this through screaming and crying because he doesn't know what else to do with these big and hard feelings.

Experiencing these negative emotions can actually make it more difficult to change behavior, which may be why you are stuck in a cycle that feels like it's getting worse. Negative emotion can also interfere with learning because the emotional part of the brain becomes activated, taking over everything else. It's like when we feel really anxious about failing a test, it's even harder to focus on studying.

Here's the best part: You can make some changes to help stop the cycle, I promise! The change has to start with you since you have the most skills. You have a fully formed, sophisticated brain; he has a jumble of potential.

Since the crying and screaming starts with the reprimand, try these tips to correct behavior in a way that is less likely to set him off:

It's important to be specific with your child that you feel frustrated or upset with his behavior, and you love him all the time, not just when he listens and does what you want. This may seem obvious to us, but children can interpret parents' upset reactions in all kinds of ways that aren't true. Especially children with sensitive temperaments. For example, "I love you even when I'm frustrated with what you do sometimes." I knew I had gotten somewhere when my own 4-year-old daughter told me, "I love you even when you yell at me!" Children are more likely to respond positively to changing behaviors when they are sure deep down how very loved they are.

Young children are people-pleasers at heart, especially when it comes to their parents. I have had my own Mom moments of feeling like my child revels in making my life difficult … but I know it's not true. At the end of every exhausting day, our children want to know we still love them, even if they don't have the skills yet to tell us or show us. If we can remember they want to do well, but their brains aren't caught up to their intentions, it can help us stay calm to do our part to keep those little brains learning and growing.